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| https://babylonbee.com/news/in-act-of-aggression-iran-puts-its-country-right-next-to-our-aircraft-carriers |
"It is clear that Iran wants war," said National Security Advisor John Bolton. "Our carrier strike group was just off on a pleasure cruise on the other side of the world, and Iran insisted on placing its country right next to it."
"We will not stand for this kind of saber-rattling," he said.
Bolton says the U.S. tried to use diplomacy. He stated that a diplomat was sent to Iran to ask nicely if they would consider moving their country away from our military forces and hundreds of bases around the world. Iran then claimed they couldn't find any space on the globe that was a safe distance from the U.S. military.
"So as you can see, we tried to be reasonable," said Bolton, shrugging. "This means war!"
Unfortunately, Donald Trump's most prominent campaign promises haven't been realized due to the rigid nature of American capitalism and society. These promises included sending the flagships of the United States Navy, the USS Couch Potato and the USS America's Ass, to Chinese "territorial waters" in order to send a message to China, erecting thousands of billboards with a photo of Trump saying "You're fired!" along the American-Mexican border in order to discourage Mexicans from coming and taking jobs in the USA, and creating a militia full of furious American rednecks in order to fight imaginary communists that are undermining America from within and from without.
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